MOMENTUMS & RELATIONSHIPS
Many young women will already have begun to be sexually active, and as long as you agree and enjoy what goes on between the sheets (so to speak), that’s okay.
But what if you get into a position (literally or metaphorically) you feel uncomfortable with? That your inner voice is suggesting, anywhere from in a quiet whisper to screaming loudly, that perhaps you should not be in this situation? What then?
It’s often difficult once you’re in a momentum to stop the end result.
But, because we are all aware of being in a flow that doesn’t feel so good (and this could be with anything, not just sex), we have the ability to stand up for that inner part of ourselves and say ‘no’.
Stopping any momentum can be difficult, and is always a result of a complex outplay of factors we’re not necessarily in control of.
One of the first steps to respecting yourself and your body is listening to and honouring the sense inside that confirms whether something is truly okay, or not.
Just because you might not be able to arrest it in the moment or that an outcome still occurs that hurts you (and/or others), doesn’t mean that you can’t give voice to that inner sense, and allow it to remove you from further or future harm’s way.
And of course there are things you can do if you have been hurt in some way.
Our family and friends may well be a source of great support.
However, each of us have a unique set of circumstances, and these close relationship may not be supportive as you need.
It’s always good to listen to that inner sense as to whether to have this conversation with this person at this time.
If the answer’s no, then there are always alternatives.
There are resources to reach out to - see our dedicated page.
You can also talk to your family doctor, or another GP if you’re more comfortable with someone a bit more objective.
Counsellors and psychologists are also handy, offering objective perspectives and further guidance on your situation.
Some schools, universities and work organisations have psychologists on staff or available by phone for you to contact.
We talk a lot in the community about men’s responsibility when it comes to sex, and often when I speak with women there is a real aversion to talking about what part the woman plays.
We want the men to treat us right and tolerate no excuse otherwise. And yes, absolutely: there is no excuse for abuse.
From my own experience, situations I’ve found myself in which have been hurtful or worse, have always held so much for me to reflect on.
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For instance, a non-sex related example: I’m really tall. I stand out wherever I go.
While I was a teenager, and all of my friends started to reach their adult height, I kept growing, ending up head and shoulders above them – and almost everyone else!
I felt very uncomfortable with the attention this brought, curved my shoulders in and tried to stoop.
I found I couldn’t hide, blend or fit in, so later, I played up to it, and wore the highest heels, just because I could.
Over the years, I have come to accept that my body is unique and it signals something to myself and the world about being a woman.
I now stand tall – unapologetically – and so communicate that everyone else can also stand tall.
I’m very settled with that, such that when people comment on my height (and they still do), I see that it reflects something about THEM they are realising simply through my presence.
This message of what our presence delivers to others is unique for everyone – we all reflect a different aspect about what it means to be alive.
For me, there is strength in presence with nothing to shy away from.
What is it for you?
Don’t let those thoughts that tell you ‘you are worthless’ lead.
Be open to learning what you are here for – what you represent, just by being you!
Your body is communicating with you all of the time. Most of the time, our mind thinks this information is inconvenient at best and a spoilsport at worst. But the key is that your body actually holds your best interests at heart, even if we don’t want to hear it.
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And while we can always override it, beginning to listen to your body’s constant messages marks the beginning of the most beautiful, enriching and fulfilling relationship you will ever have – the one you have with YOU!
You are the one that goes into relationships with others, and the quality of your relationship with yourself will fuel the quality of your relationship with any one other.
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If there is conflict, disharmony, abuse or worse, by all means, seek the appropriate support to stop that, but do so in combination with a deep look within to identify and discard the inner-conflict, disharmony and self-abuse.
Sometimes it is not as obvious.
If I am feeling poorly about myself, thinking I am ugly, stupid, unworthy, that I’m lucky to even have a partner because I’m so horrible, chances are, I am already treating myself with less than the care and honour I deserve.
And guess what?
I also open myself up to others treating me that way too.
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Not only that, but how am I going to react when someone tries to treat me preciously?!
I can tell you from experience – you reject them and run a million miles away!
Any physical intimacy is naturally going to include your physical body, your connection to it and how you feel about it.
If I am full in myself, connected, listening and responsive to my body’s messages and enjoying my body for all that it teaches and shows me, then physical intimacy is nothing short of divine. In this we see the demonstration of the difference between making love and having sex.
Having sex is a physical function, whereby the parts of the body that are exquisitely sensitive are stimulated for some kind of release, the orgasm.
Generally speaking, and especially if you take the lead from porn, sex is a man’s world.
In Ran Gavieli’s words:
Porn is teaching us, that as a man, you are solely valued in sex by having a large penis and an eternal erection.
According to porn, being a valuable sexual partner does not relate with being sensual, passionate, attentive, generous, well-coordinated; none of the above!
It is all about large penis and eternal sunshine, which we don’t possess, so boys become paralysed.
And if they don’t become paralysed by watching porn, very often, they turn into imitators of what they saw, which means they become aggressors,
even if emotion is involved.
So that’s the set up for men, and what do you reckon the quality will be of the intimacy you have with a man who has either become paralysed or turned into the imitator of aggression?
Yep! We’re talking impotence and premature ejaculation all the way through to domination, violence and rape.
Conversely, when intimacy has been built between a couple with every move they make together in their days, no matter what the gender combination or activity at hand, the physical confirmation of that intimacy when it comes to foreplay and intercourse is naturally going to have a much deeper connection.
Even if mechanical orgasm is reached for one or both parties, there’s lots of people who feel disconnected in their sexual relationships.
Most of us enter relationships because we are craving love. I’ve spoken with women who only have sex because they want the cuddle at the end, because they’ve worked out it’s the easiest way.
So many women just give up on themselves (particularly once in a relationship or even after childbirth), and they aren’t really feeling up for sex, but their partner still wants, expects and/or demands it.
Thus, they allow their partner to do whatever they want – anticipating it will soon be over and no matter the personal aversion or physical discomfort. It’s dangerous ground that comes close to intimate partner violence on so many occasions, but can be considered culturally (and societally) appropriate.
Then there are heaps of women who have clinical difficulty with arousal, adequate lubrication, being physically relaxed enough to allow penetration, and with their own climax or orgasm, which is where women more commonly come to medical attention.
So what are we acquiescing to in our relationships and sex lives?
What are we handing our bodies over to?
Is it worth it?
Is a relationship with another more important than what you feel truly on the inside?
Certainly many women harness their sexuality and wield it as a force to be reckoned with.
Think sex on our terms, Sex and the City style.
And while sexual empowerment may result, does it guarantee a deep and long-lasting satisfaction?
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So many people feel lonely and disconnected in their lives, even if they are in a relationship.
I’ve experienced that utter desolation too, being physically with someone but feeling like there was a canyon between us, even though I could have reached out and touched him.
Ultimately, I chose to break up that engagement – as the disconnection between us seemed insurmountable, and he wasn’t interested in talking about it.
All of us have our own orientations, motivations and reasons for seeking and staying in relationships. Almost universally, we are looking for love.
If we can’t find a rich and true version of it, we’ll settle – for security, companionship, sex with no strings attached, to fit in, fulfil a picture of what we believe our lives should look like.
So, I invite you to ask yourself:
What characterises your intimate relationship, and what’s the quality that’s there?
What is the love that’s there?
The key in this enquiry is to be super gentle-tender on yourself, and ask yourself these questions: what’s in it for me, and why?
There is no right or wrong – only a self-discovery that is totally worthwhile –
because you are.
REFERENCE
TEDx Talks. (2013). Why I stopped watching porn. [video]. Accessed 4 May 2021 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU.